It’s been a while since I last posted an Up Close and Personal. I don’t even know why it was so hard for me to put this into words since it is actually a good thing.
The other day I stumbled across some songs that have been a life saver for me in all those months when I was pretty far gone. From when I was very little music has been a very important in my life. I can’t go a day listening to music and I can’t go a week without singing. Music is an outlet for my feelings, for my joy for my pain, for my frustration. I have found bands that speak my mind. Like Saltatio Mortis right now with their angry songs criticizing politics and society as I am screaming mad about the goings on in my country (I am aware I am yammering on a very high level here).
Either way I stumbled upon those songs and the most important of them goes something like this:
Ich versinke, ich ertrinke, ich will kein Schmerzen mehr
Ich will dort sein, wo es still ist
2000 Meilen unter’m Meer.
(I’m sinking, I’m drowning, I don’t want to hurt anymore
I want to be where it is quiet
2000 miles beneath the sea)
In this world that was moving in on me, that was tearing at me, stripping me of all my defenses , slowly and painfully ripping me apart, I craved nothing more than this silence, this peace and quiet mentioned in the song. Another line goes:
Ich kann nicht weiter schwimmen, bitte lass mich gehen.
(I can’t swim anymore, please let me go.)
How many times have I felt like this. Like just letting go. Like just giving in. Letting them roll over me, crushing me.
Listening to this song would bring this feeling back every time and it would feel true. It would feel like this was the essence of me, this desperate feeling of barely hanging on.
When I listened to this song again a couple of weeks ago, it didn’t bring the feeling back. It reminded me of the feeling, yes, but it didn’t bring it back to my doorstep. Instead there was something in me that said ‘I can’t die just yet, I still have so much to do.’ God knows I may fall in love, get married and have children someday. Maybe I will be successful at my job, find a job that makes me truly happy. Maybe that will happen. Maybe I will be truly happy one day. I guess in a way I already am. I have a great family. We may not always like each other but we always love each other. My parents saved my life when they let me move home again, when they gave me shelter when I needed it the most.
I have the greatest two best friends. I may sometimes drive them up the wall and exasperate them but deep down we deeply care about each other, we watch out for each other and we would go miles for each other, I love them very much.
I have a job that I don’t hate and I study something that I enjoy. So yeah. I am happy all things considered.
Saying it out loud is scary though, as if I would jinx it. But I guess this superstition is something that I have to kick out.
Bottom line of this post is, I’m okay. The dark days, the anxiety will come back and in a way I am grateful for that. You can’t see the light without the dark. But I am okay. And I will go back to being okay.